It was Fishcake’s Birthday, Friday 13th of August (unlucky you might say for Mr & Mrs Fishcake) the happy bundle of mayhem arriving 13 months after they were married. The gang had bought him the cheapest card we could find, not that we were mean we were just skint and it’s the thought that counts. We think he liked the ballet dancer on the front anyway.
We wobbled around to his house and was ushered into the front room and admired the only other twp cards he’d received, one from his Mam and Dad, the other from his neighbour Oskar Daftski who was sat in Mr Fishcake’s chair. A big no no in the Fishcake household.
“Show them your presents Fishcake” said his Mam.
He was hoping for a sat nav for his push bike but ended up with a compass and a suitcase from his parents (they were living in hope he would eventually take the hint). They loved him really though.
We were there when Fishcake’s Dad returned from the allotment. He strode up the garden path singing happy birthday, his beaming smile dropped when he saw Oskar in his chair. Oskar was oblivious to his bum trespassing on the ‘big master’s seat’.
“Ay up Lads and birthday boy” he sat on the settee scowling a little. He looked at Oscar and forced a smile.
“Oscar do you realise what you are sat on”
“Me bum Mr Fishcake” said Oskar
“No, the object your bum is on is an ancient family hairyloom that belonged to Fishcake’s Great Granddad. Whoever sits on that antique lump of furniture for more than ten minutes will be possessed by Grandad George, their hair will fall out, they will sprout hair from their ears and nose and their teeth will go yellow”. (This pretty much described Fishcake’s bald headed Father) “I know you think it’s farfetched but look what happened to me”.
Oskar took a long look at Fishcake’s Dad and the penny dropped. He jumped out of the chair and kept touching the top of his head to make sure his hair was intact. Fishcake knew his Dad had made it up to claim the seat again, but nevertheless, he still skirted passed the chair in case Granddad George claimed him.
Fishcake’s Mam came in with the birthday cake and he blew the candles out. Fishcake’s got a good healthy pair of lungs and one of the candles flew off completely unnoticed and winged its way to the big master’s chair where Fishcake’s dad was now relaxing in a better mood.
“Oskar me lad I was just jesting about the chair it’s not possessed at all you can stop patting your head now”.
“I think it is Mr Fishcake” said Oskar “your chair’s smoking look!!!”
Fishcake’s Dad then noticed the fog around his rump jumping up in panic he shouted “I think it’s one of them poulty guys. Get out, get out!!!”
Everyone ran towards the back door screaming “there’s a ghost, there’s a ghost”. We could see the flames through the back window. Fishcake’s Mam was trembling and we weren’t much better.
The fire brigade managed to put out the fire quickly, but the insurance claim for fire damage was knocked back because they didn’t believe the reason for the burnt, chair, carpet, trousers and underpants was the revenge of Grandad George’s ghost.
Proud to be Daft 